Back Alive
by Martine Boulanger
Summary: This fanfiction is from before, during and after 'Mad about the boy' (the story is different as well, it's about the timeline like that) ... Maybe the title say it already, but it's better to leave you up you to it to read it and then to criticise it.. Hope you like it, it's my first fanfiction that isn't about Dirty Dancing lol
1. Prologue

Prologue

**June 2008**

I sat on the couch watching the news while having my hands on my mouth and tears flowing down my cheeks. I couldn't believe my eyes and my phone went off. "Hello?" I said with a very groggy voice, sniffing loudly as my mind was drifting off. "Oh you've seen the news." Tom, who also sounded groggy."Oh Bridge, is there anything I can do?" Tom finally asked after a very long moment of silence. "I don't know what you could do Tom." I whimpered. "Oh god, he can't be dead Tom. It's not true!" Mabel was asleep now and Billy sat playing on his blanket in the play corner. I look at him and thought about that he maybe never will see his father again. "I'll be coming around in a bit Bridge, you mustn't be alone right now." "Tom, if this is true than he will never see his children growing up." And with that I started to cry even more. Billy had seen me crying and crawled to me. He couldn't walk properly yet but Mark had seen him making his first steps. He pulled himself up and with that Mabel started to cry out loud from the cradle that was standing in the living room. Standing up and taking her out, I went back to the couch. "Mommy." As Billy reached to me, I lifted him on the couch as good as I could while Mabel was drinking. As if Billy sensed my sadness he crawled against me and hugged me.

The door flew open and not only Tom but also Jude came inside with some bottles of Chardonnay. "That's sweet but no alcohol please." Was the first thing I say when I saw the bottles. "Oh sorry." Jude whimpered and sat the bottles on the cabinet in the hallway. Tom came to me and hugged me. "Bridge, I'm so sorry for you." Tom giving me a kiss as my tears were still falling. I couldn't effort myself to mourn now with the children, it wouldn't be good for them. "We're right here for you when you need us." Jude said as she sat at the side of Billy. "Mommy." Billy saying in a sad tone and looking at Jude. She stroked his head and tried to smile but failed tremendously in doing so. Billy of course sensed they all were sad but had no understanding of what was going on. Tom and Jude, how sweet they really are, my phone went off again. Tom took it and looked at the screen. "It's your mother." I look at him. "Pick it up."Before Tom could say anything, he had put it on speaker, my mother began.

"Oh Bridget! I'm so sorry! Is there anything, really anything I can do? It must be so hard to hear this news about Mark on the television! Please let me know something because we all here are in awe over you!" I look at my phone. "We? Mother?" I just asked, she couldn't refer to dad because he died a year ago and uncle Jeoffrey is terminal ill so Una couldn't be with her either. "Yes darling, Malcom and Elaine and me of course! Who else?" I gave a sigh and looked at Mabel who stopped drinking now. I cleaned my breast and putted my bra back into its place, cleaned Mabel's mouth a bit and waggled her a bit. "I'm sorry mom." I whimpered now trying to sound confident. "Oh darling, you don't have to stay strong now." It was the first time she said something sensible in a very long time. "Thanks mom, I really appreciate all the support but now I actually want to be alone with the children." It was silent at the other side. "Please my regards to Malcolm and Elaine, hope they will be stronger than I will be. I will visit very soon with the children." Mom was muttering something, I guess to Malcolm and Elaine. "Don't worry sweetheart, they will come to you in a few days so you don't have to do all the hassle. I will join them if you don't mind that!" Tom and Jude looked at me still in awe about the tragic news. "That's very sweet, thank you." I said and mum ended the call. Tom laid my phone down and turned back to me. I look at him and tried to smile which of course failed miserably and he hugged me tide now.

The phone-call didn't went really well but I just didn't want to hear any condolences from anyone right now. I know my phone probably will be standing full of messages but I couldn't look at it right now. "Tom?" He nodded. "Can you please deleted all the messages now?" I looked at Jude. "Jude?" She nodded. "Can you order some pizzas and put Pride and Prejudice on? I need this distraction now." Billy yawned and I stood up. "I'll bring him to bed now." They nodded as I took Billy on my arms now together with Mabel. Chloe has a day off today. I had no idea how I did it anyway, carrying two children upstairs and putting them down in their beds. Just like nothing has happened and that Mark would be home very soon again. Maybe it just didn't came into my mind fully yet that he never will be back. The news was hard, very hard and somehow I didn't want to believe it so I kept myself to it that Mark was still alive.

I went back down and saw Jude and Tom has arrange everything to my wishes, Tom made some tea for me instead but he and Jude will be drinking the Chardonnay because even in awe Tom didn't want to leave it intact. "That's actually quite insensible Tom." Jude had said to him when he came back with the bottles and a few glasses. "It's okay Jude, it's just I can't drink because of breast feeding Mabel otherwise I'd been drunk by now. You two can drink if you want I really don't mind." I stated as I nipped the tea and thanked Tom for it. He smiled and gave me a peck on my cheek. The doorbell rang and Jude went to pay for the pizzas. I really have great friends, they're my chosen family and I wouldn't want them to go out of my life forever. We were talking like nothing happened, I've been requesting that because I didn't want to feel miserable all the time. I don't think I could have handle that anyway. I just got up a few times because Mabel was making noises. That's the handy part of a baby-phone, I could hear when they would wake up.

The doorbell rang around midnight. Tom, Jude and I looked at each other and wondered who that could be. "I'll get it." Tom said and walked to the door being really tipsy. "Oh hey!" It was Talitha who walked inside and saw us sitting on the floor in the living room. "Seems you're having fun." She said as she came further into the living room. "Not really, but I try to." I was saying as she kissed my cheek. This time a real kiss and not some air kisses like she'd always done before. "I came because of the news." She said and I looked at her, she was looking sad as well. "Please Talitha, do not cry. I don't want that and I certainly know Mark never will want any of us to cry over him." They looked at me as if I'm crazy. "You're acting to airy about his death." Talitha said in a lecturing way and I looked down like a schoolgirl who was caught on doing something naughty. "I don't want to believe it's real." I whimpered now, I burst out again and they all hugged me. I heard Mabel started to cry again. "What does she need?" Talitha asked. "A clean diaper, I've fed her about ten minutes ago or so." She stood up. "Let me fix it, stay here." She went upstairs and I really was surprised. "That's nothing for her to do." Jude whispered and we nodded in agreement. "She wants to be there for you Bridge." Tom said and I burst out again. "But I've got you guys already." Jude shushed me again. "Look I know you haven't always been on a good foot with Talitha but that doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or maybe even wants to be your friend." Tom said in a stern tone. I look at him and sniffed while drying my eyes. "Good, now give her a chance." He said and I only nodded in a stupid manner.

In the days that went by, everyone close to me or Mark came by to tell their condolences. It was really so tiring that I finally said that I didn't want to receive any visitors anymore. I needed to concentrate on the children and their wellbeing. "But you hardly can put that up Bridget!" Mom, when she had visited me together with Malcolm and Elaine Darcy. Mark parents, they were so sweet to me and so supportive while they're the ones who needed to have support as well because their only son died in a landmine explosion in Afghanistan. I didn't want to think about that, it's horrible! I didn't wish anyone to die like this. Mark didn't deserve this at all, he was too good to die in this way. It made me mad as well somehow, because I didn't want him to be dead. What am I supposed to do without him? What about the children? It's now days ago and I still couldn't really believe the news. _Oh why Mark! Why did you needed to go there?_ I looked at the little angel I was cradling on my arms as she was soothing with her little thumb in her mouth. I walked little circles while looking at her, Billy was asleep on the couch. Something Mark did not like but I didn't care right now, I felt like I needed them very close to me or they would die as well. I needed to protect them greatly and fondle them so they wouldn't ask about their father too much because I couldn't bear to tell them how he died. I laid Mabel in the cradle so I could get something to drink for myself when my phone went off.

_'Check the news!_ _Now!'_ It was from Tom and as I saw the message I tried to turn the television on but I always am so clumsily. Eventually after some minutes I turned it on and BBC news jumped on. _'Are you watching?'_ another message. '_Yes, I just put it on. What's on it?'_ It's always something you ask even if the news is on and you could just wait to see what was coming. _'Just look and see.'_ I laid my phone down and sat down next to Billy who was still fast asleep.

'And now people, as last week the news about the landmine explosion occurred and Mark Darcy was in the vehicle who drove over it.' The news reporter stopped for a moment. Why are they always do that? Trying to make it look more dramatic than it really is? 'Research as from who this landmine is, is still ongoing but the bodies are recovered now and brought to a local mortuary for more inspection. Any news about how this accident occurred is not yet known. It's only confirmed that the bodies will as soon as possible be delivered out to the United Kingdom and that all relatives will be contacted any time soon.' I felt defeated, this meant I will see Mark again but not alive. Then the rest will follow, arranging his funeral and about his testimony and such. I didn't want to think about it actually as if I haven't enough to do already. I know it sounds rude but I wasn't really sure if I could handle it to do this all.

_'What must I do Tom? I don't know if I can handle it to see his body back.' 'I will be with you Bridge! You don't need to do this alone!'_ '_Oh how I miss Shazzer right now!' 'Me too Bridge! Me too! Shall I come by so we can Skype with her together?' _I gave it a thought and looked at the time and then at Billy. It would be early morning now for Shazzer so it would be best to wait a few more hours. _'In some hours. Can you come then? I can feed Billy first and put him to bed so I won't have to worry about that when we call Shazzer.' _It took some minutes for Tom to reply. '_Sure, anything you want. I shall call Jude as well. Guess she wants to see Shazzer as well.'_

So when Tom and Jude came, Billy was nicely fed and laying in his bed with his stuffed toys fast asleep again. He has asked about his father but I told him that he will be back home very soon. I kept telling this to Billy so it won't give him any stress. I'm not sure he really would understand it anyway. We called Shazzer and told her the news, she held her hands in front of her mouth and looked at me. "Oh Bridge! Why didn't you told me earlier?" I gave a sigh. "I didn't want to trouble you." "You never trouble me you know that! Oh god, I'm so sorry for you! I will come as soon as I've booked a flight." Tom looked at me and I sniffed. "You don't have to do that Shazz. I don't want you to do that, I'll be fine! Really!" But something in my mind told me it never would be fine again. It was as if they could even hear it in my voice. "No Bridge, it won't and I will come to you. I can't possibly leave you into the care of these two only." When she said this with sarcasm it made me giggle a bit. "Nice Shazz." Jude said but with a little smile and Tom who was smiling because it was the first time since the news that I giggled again.

* * *

><p><strong>Two weeks later<strong>

Shazzer arrived yesterday and she would be staying with me for some days. She couldn't stay for too long because her husband was a very demanding man and he only let her go because he knows he couldn't have stopped her anyway. Besides that he seems to like me as well. "Come here you!" She had said when I opened the door and hugged me tightly. "Oh Shazz, I'm so happy you're here." I whimpered and cried. "Where are the children?" She asked as she walked inside dragging her bag with her just like she always do. It made me somehow smile a bit. "Billy is playing in the living room and Mabel is sleeping peacefully." I said and she smiled as she turned to me. "How are they doing?" "Go and see it for yourself." As I said with a smile. "I have some news too." Shazzer lifted her shirt up and I saw the bump and held my hands in front of my mouth. "Don't react like that! It's like everyone would think I never would take a child." I shrieked a bit from happiness and went to hug her. "I'm so happy for you." "I'm glad you still can smile Bridge. Now, let me see the little angels." As she dropped her bag and walked to the living. "Auntie!" Billy shrieked as he saw Shazzer, she smiled as he reached out to her and she lifted him up. "Auntie." He said again and laid his little arms around her neck and pressed his lips against her neck. "I'm so happy to see you again Billy." She said and look at him when he pushed himself up to look at her face with a smile. "Gosh you have grown already." He giggled.

After Shazzer sat down and Billy insisted to sit on her lap, I gave her some tea before I had a check on Mabel. "Can I see her?" Seeing Shazzer didn't had the chance yet. I lifted Mabel on my arms and she moved her little hands a bit. I walked to Shazzer and laid Mabel on her arms before placing Billy next to her. "She's beautiful Bridge. You must be so proud." I only nodded as I look at her. "I think you will be a great mother Shazz." She looked at me and smiled. "You have changed, but in a great way." I said and she nodded as a thank you. "So where will the rest be?" She asked as I finally took Mabel from her and laid her back in her cradle. Billy crawled back onto her lap and smiled satisfied again. "They will come in a bit, they haven't left me alone one single evening. I'm so glad to have you all in my life really." She smiled again and looked at Billy. "He's a copy of Mark." With that I burst out and tried to control myself. "It's all I have left from him." I walked to the door as the doorbell went and I know it was Jude and Tom. I dragged Shazzer's bag aside and opened the door. "Hello!" They both said and I let them in, they saw Shazzer and went to her for hugs and such.

Not only this evening but the following days that Shazzer was with me it helped me a great deal. Somehow I came out stronger as I ever thought. I don't know why but Shazzer is the one with the great advice always, even if it sometimes comes out wrong. But then she needed to go back because her husband is missing her help in his restaurant. "How are you going to do it when you're due to labour?" I asked and she looked at me when we stood at the airport waiting in line for the check in. "I don't know, I leave that up to him. It will be alright." She sounded so confident about it. I'm so happy she found her true love, only a shame he didn't want to stay in London. "Call me anytime you need and want Bridge, I want to keep topped up about news from Mark, the children and you." She whispered as we hugged greatly. I missed her already and started to cry. "Don't cry please. I know you can do this, you always come out strong Bridge." She said as she was grabbing my upper arms tightly. I tried to smile and nodded and hugged her again. "Wish you could stay." I whimpered and she shushed me. "You have Tom and Jude. And all your relatives as well." She looked at my face and dried my cheeks. "I will miss you a great deal as well. But I try to come again, I want you to see the baby as well when it's born." And with that I smiled a little bit and nodded. "Have a safe travel Shazz. Let me know when you have landed safely." She nodded and we hugged one more time before she went through the security. I waved at her until I couldn't see her anymore and went back home where Chloe was waiting for me while watching the children.

Chloe is a great help, I was so happy when Mark hired her as a live in nanny when Billy was born and I had post-traumatic stress about how I have become a monster and such. Had therapy for it and when I finally was better again I discovered I was pregnant again. We had plans for a second child, but not this quick. Mabel came as a surprise but we were both truly happy about it. And with Mabel I didn't had PTSD. Chloe cooked and cleaned, looked after the children when I needed a rest. She even went to the supermarket if I asked. She's great really and I couldn't imagine a life without her anymore but thought that eventually she would want to settle as well and have a proper job.

My phone went off. "Hello?" As I picked up the phone. "Misses Darcy?" An unfamiliar voice asked. "Yes, that's me." I answered. "I phone in name of the government, due to your husband's body. It will be arriving tomorrow on the military base, I don't know if you want to be there as his body will be in a coffin that can't be opened. It will be going directly to the mortuary, but if you want to say goodbye then maybe it's a proper moment to do so instead of on his funeral." I only listened and was sad about it. "Okay, what time?" I asked, trying to sound strong but I wasn't at all. "Around two in the afternoon. If you want to come you need to tell me now so the security will know about it." I gave a sigh. "I will come." I only answered blankly. "I noted, see you tomorrow." I said my bye and he ended the call. I sat down as I need a moment to let it come to me. This means that the funeral will be in a few days. Oh god! I don't know if I can handle that so I phoned Tom to tell him about it. "Bridge, you can do this. I think this is the best way to say goodbye to him on your own without everyone standing around you. I think you need that for your own sake." Tom assured me and I thought about it. "Maybe you're right. Will you watch the children?" I know it was crazy, I normally never ask Tom to look after the children because I think he has no idea how to. I love him to bits really, but this is I think a bit too much. "Chloe can't watch them?" He asked. "She's having her day off, I can't possibly ask her to do it." I saw that Chloe stood still and looked at me. I looked at her and she saw my face. "What's the matter?" She asked. "Wait a second Tom." I said and laid my hand over my phone. "I'm asking Tom if he can watch the children tomorrow due to the fact that Mark's body will arrive and you're having your day off." I whispered. "No, no! I can watch them, I will take another day off. I have time as I haven't planned anything at all." She said and I saw her face. "You're sure?" I asked and she nodded. "Very!" She walked away. "She will watch them Tom." I said to him and I heard him sighing relieved. "Let me know when you're back okay?" "Okay." I only said. After saying goodbye I sat down with a deep sigh trying to give my head some rest which failed.

* * *

><p><strong>The next day<strong>

I looked at the time as I was preparing myself. Gosh I need to go otherwise I will even miss his body. That would be more than worse if that would happen. Chloe came back down with Mabel and smiled at me. "She's cleaned and proper." She said as she gave Mabel to me for a bit. I waggled her and gave her a kiss. "Mommy will be back soon." Whispering this as I gave Mabel back to Chloe. Billy walked to me, waggling a bit on his little legs as he stood still. "Mommy?" He looked up as he had grabbed my trousers. I looked at him and lifted him up, he hugged me and gave me a kiss. A wet kiss but it's still a kiss. I gave him a smile and a kiss. "Mommy will be back. Stay with Chloe." I said and he nodded. Chloe came back to me as she had laid Mabel down and took Billy from me. "Stay strong." Chloe whispered and I laid my hand on her arm. "Thanks, you're a great help Chloe." I whispered and she only nodded.

At the military airport I needed to go through a lot of security and proving I am really Mrs. Darcy. When I finally was through it someone came to me. "Ma'am?" The guy asked and I nodded. "Follow me, the plane just has landed." "Okay." I only said as I followed him to a cargo hold where there were laying two coffins. I saw they had put stickers on them with the names on. "If you need anything ma'am, I'll be right over there." He said as he pointed at the door. I only nodded as my eyes only were focused on the coffin where Mark is laying in. I walked closer and tears started to fall down from my cheek silently. I kneeled next to the coffin where Mark's name was on and laid my hand on it, I saw they had sealed it so there was no way of opening it in any case and I don't think I could bare it anyway to see his body. If it's still in one piece that is. "Oh Mark, I wish you were still alive and that you could see the children growing up. I have no idea how I must tell them that their father never will be back anymore. I miss you so much! Wish you didn't went there." I whispered as I cried silently. "I love you, I will always love you and no one else." With that I stood up and looked at the coffin, the guy came to me and asked if everything was alright. It was kind of a stupid question when he saw me crying here like an idiot. "Why can't I see him?" I asked, it was more curiosity than that I actually wanted to see his body. "I don't think you could handle that ma'am, as he is in pieces to tell you the truth." I look at him and nodded. "How did someone recognize him?" I was asking now, because for all of it he maybe wasn't dead after all. The man held up a little sag, I looked at it. "It's his wallet and wedding ring ma'am. It's all that we found about him, think it's enough evidence." As I took the sag. I opened it and saw indeed his wallet and the wedding ring, which made me cry again. The guy was good enough to lay his arm around my shoulder and to guide me back to my car. "Thanks for giving me the chance to say goodbye in silence." The guy nodded and tried to give me a smile. "Good bye ma'am and may the best of luck be with you." He said and saluted to me, I nodded as he walked away.

I drove back home and looked at the little sag from time to time. When I came back inside I saw that Tom was there already waiting for me. "Don't you need to work?" I asked as I took my jacket off. "You know I'm busy to go on my own with that." As I walk to see how Mabel was doing. "Where's Chloe and Billy?" As I didn't saw them anywhere. "Billy wanted to go outside so Chloe took him on a stroll, think she will be back in a bit." I sat down and laid the little sag on the table. "Could you see him?" I look at Tom and shook my head. "The coffin is sealed and they didn't want to open it because of the horrid sight. The guy told me he wasn't in one piece anymore." I burst out again and Tom soothed me. "And that is?" He asked and pointed at the sag. "The only evidence they found about Mark. That's how they know it's him." I explained as Tom took the wallet out and the wedding ring. "Oh Bridget, I'm so sorry!" As he hugged me again and I grabbed him tightly.

Two days further the funeral was, everyone was there except Shazzer but I told her about the coffin and the evidence. She was sad that there was so little evidence from Mark and wish she could come for the funeral but her husband won't let her go anymore now. As the funeral was actually quite peaceful and I was having Mabel on my arms and Billy stood next to me holding himself onto me because he wanted that and we saw the coffin going into the ground I couldn't do it anymore. Tears streamed down my face and there was no way I could stop them. I couldn't make a speech so Tom did it for me. I had Jude on one side and mom on the other side, she eventually lifted Billy on her arms who was worried about me. "Mommy, why cry?" I look at him and gave him a wet kiss which made him pull his face away. Mabel woke up and started to cry now. Billy started to tell he was hungry, so I said my good bye to Mark and laid a red rose on the coffin and walked away with mom next to me, followed by Jude, Tom and Malcolm and Elaine. I didn't want to have a coffee table afterwards, it's so weird to do that after someone has been buried but the family went with me home to mourn over Mark there while I was feeding Mabel and mom took the task of feeding Billy over.


	2. November 2012

**Four years and five months later**

**November 2012**

**28****th**** November**

I couldn't believe that it was almost four and a half years ago that Mark got killed by a landmine. Billy had asked about him so many times and I finally explained to him that daddy never will come back because he is in heaven. When he gets bigger he will understand. Mabel was still a baby when Mark died so she actually never knew him and never asked about him as well because she sees me as her mother and her father. Billy is going to Primary School now and Mabel to Preschool and like every morning it was a disaster especially now I released Chloe who ended her university but I always could rely on her and phone her when it was needed which is really great of course. Now the children are at school on daytime I have instantly a lot of free time that was boring so I decided to start writing a script. Yay, I will become famous. I can imagine it already, red carpet premieres and fancy parties.

"Mommy." Billy said when I got to his school to pick him up, Mabel walked after me totally packed into her pink jacket with pink hat and pink scarf. She's a little princess. "Billy!" She said with a smile and ran to her brother, she loves him greatly and he smiled at her as she took his hand. "Hey son." I said as I ruffled his hair. "Mommy, the sports teacher stopped. We have no sports teacher anymore." He was really sad about it because he loves to football and do sports. "Oh and what will be happening now?" I asked. "Mister Parker will be our teacher for the time being until we will have a new sports teacher." I smiled. "But that is good right?" I asked as my hand still laid on his head and we walked to the car. "I don't know, Mister Parker isn't that good though." Billy said in a serious tone as he stepped into the car. I lifted Mabel up and putted her on her chair. "Mommy? When will we get McDonalds?" Mabel asked in a serious tone. "Not now princess." I said with a smile and she looked sad. "When one of you two do something great at school I will go to McDonalds." I said. "Aren't we doing it good enough already mommy?" Billy looked at me with that lecturing look and I giggled a bit. "Of course you do well but there are things that can be done better." "Yeah, like homework!" Mabel said and giggled. Oh I was so bad at that, only if Mark was still alive. He would have made sure they would make their homework properly, I lack doing that. I gave a sigh when I thought about Mark and drove back home. We moved to a smaller house because the house on Holland Park was just too big for the three of us only. I haven't sold the house though, I couldn't but I'm letting it now without a contract so I can claim it back if I would want to go back. Instead I'm renting a two bedroom house at Chalk Farm, not far from their schools. The children share a bedroom with a bunk bed in. It's not that I needed to move or needed to have a job because Mark was rich. But it's because I wanted to and the house reminded me too much of Mark, I couldn't bare it any longer to be there.

It's almost Christmas, everything was slowly getting into the Christmassy sphere and the more it came the more I got depressive because now since Mark died I'm with Christmas at Malcolm and Elaine Darcy, mum and Una are there as well. Uncle Jeoffrey died about two years ago from cancer, he has been suffering for almost four years. So now Una and mom were even more together and they go a lot on holidays together. God knows what they do, I don't even want to think about it. I haven't been on holidays since some years. "Mommy?" Billy asked. "Yes Billy." I said as I tried to park the car, I'm too clumsily to do it right anyway so with the total focus. Of course if the children don't distract me. I got the car parked finally while Billy was trying to talk to me. "I'm sorry son, what did you want to say?" As I looked at him. "It's okay mommy, you're always so focused to park." Billy said serious. "Otherwise boom!" Mabel giggled. "Yes Mabel, otherwise boom." My children have really big confidence in me. "I heard today that next month there will be a chess class, mister Pitlochry-Howard told us so and if we want to sign up then you need to fill this in." Billy held up a form and smiled. "You want to play chess Billy?" I asked serious, but I could see he want to play it. He's as smart as Mark and Mark loved to play chess sometimes. Billy nodded heavily and had a grin on his face. I took the form from him and read it. "I will fill it in so you can give it to Mister Pitlochry-Howard tomorrow." Billy shrieked out of happiness as he got out of the car. I stepped out and took Mabel out her chair. "Can I play chess too mommy?" She asked. "You're too young yet princess." And she looked sad. "You can play with your fuckoons." She threw her arms in the air and shouted happily while running to the house. "Yay! Fuckoons!" I took their school bags and locked the car. Mabel kept shouting 'fuckoons' until I opened the door.

Chloe had made dinner already so they could directly go on table. "Mommy will let me do chess class." Billy said with a grin as he sat down and Chloe gave him some stew. Mabel looked at it and felt strangely disappointed but as always she is when it's not McDonalds. "Here Mabel, eat, you will like it I'm sure." Chloe said encouraging her and she took her fork to taste it. "You like it?" She nodded and ate further. "It's great Billy, you will do great at it." Chloe said to Billy who waited patiently. I was watching them and gave a sigh. Chloe, still so young but yet so experienced with children. "Billy, you have your bassoon lesson in an hour, would you care to do your homework before?" I asked as I sat down and Chloe gave me some stew as well. "Okay mommy. I will do it directly after dinner." I smiled proudly about him, my miniature Mark.

I went with Billy to the bassoon lesson, god knows why he wanted to play this instrument but he said he likes it a lot. I watched him with a smile as he was trying his best to get it right. Mr. Parker who is the music teacher at the school gave extra lessons in the evenings during weekdays. "Good Billy, you're making good progression. If you keep going like this you will do great at the School Concert." Mr. Parker said with a smile at him and Billy came quickly to me to give me a hug. "I'm proud of you son." I said as I gave him a kiss on his head. "Can I play on the xBox mommy?" He asked innocently and I thought about it. He has done good with doing his homework and the lesson so why not? "Sure, but not too long okay?" And he nodded with a grin. "Thank you Mr. Parker." I said and shook hands with him. "See you next week." He said and we walked away.

At home, Billy was playing a bit of his Wizard 101 and Mabel sat on the floor with her hellvanians. That was something new for children and Mabel seems to be totally loving them. In the meantime she already has tons of different ones and there were still a lot more. Chloe said good night and had left so I was alone with the children and smiled. I was writing a bit for about an hour until it was time for the children to go to bed. Mabel was falling asleep on the ground. Billy turned the xBox off and I lifted Mabel up. Upstairs they brushed their teeth and changed into their pyjamas. I laid Mabel down and gave her a kiss, she's asleep already and I laid her Saliva next to her and smiled. Billy sat on the upper bed and looked at me with a smile. "Wish daddy could see me playing the bassoon." He said and I heard the sadness in his voice. "But he sees it, he's looking at you from up there." I said and pointed at the sky. "That's not real mommy is it? Can daddy really see me?" Billy being very serious about it as he laid down and I arranged his stuffed toys. Puffle one, two and three, Mario and Horsio. I laid the blanket a bit straight and stroked his hair. "Yes he can son, he's protecting you from up there." As I gave him a kiss. He smiled and closed his eyes. "Good night son." I whispered. "Good night mommy." I walked to the door and turned the night light on and the normal light off. I look at them, smiled and closed the door.


	3. December 2012 part 1

**December 2012**

**3****rd**** December**

I brought the children to school and after I dropped Mabel off I went with Billy to his school. There was some hassle going on and it made me curious. "What's going on?" As Billy looked for his friends. "Mommy, I'm going to Bikram is that okay?" Billy looking at me, I look at him and smiled. I kneeled to give him a kiss so he could go to his friend to play before school started. "The new sports teacher starts today." It was Nicolette Martinez who answered my question, I look at her and tried to smile. Perfect Nicorette, oh Nicolette, Nicolette, Nicolette, with her perfect legs and shape and her perfect hair and perfect life. "Oh has he started already?" I was asking trying to ask her why she cares as her children are so perfect already that they actually don't even need the sports lessons because I was sure she would put them in the gym and let them work hard there. "Bridget, it is his first day today." Nicolette in her lecturing way as if I was a very stupid child. "I heard he's very smart and gorgeous." Farzia, mother of Bikram, who came to join me and Nicolette. Trying to safe me from Nicolette's speeches. I smiled at Farzia and she smiled back with a wink. Nicolette walked away with an air looking for her sons, Atticus and Eros. Farzia and I looked after her and shook our heads. "What's with her anyway?" Farzia asked. "I have no idea." We heard the mothers getting excited now. "It must be the new teacher." Farzia said and walked forward to have a good look. I was curious but stayed on a distance because I didn't want to look stupid. "Hello, hello. Mr. Wallaker." It was Nicolette. Of course, who else could it be anyway? I wonder how she knew his name already. I look and a tall guy turned around, my heart somehow skipped a beat when I saw him. Blonde, with a bit of grey at the sides, piercing blue eyes, tall, a bit masculine as well. Just a bit like Daniel Craig. He looked questioning around him until Nicolette came to him while waving her hand. The other mothers walked away again and I stood there a bit frozen, because ever since Mark I never had someone who let me skip a heartbeat with only his appearance. I saw how Nicolette was flirting with him and he acted polite and nice, gave her a nod and walked away. "Isn't he gorgeous?" It was Farzia who came back to me and smiled cheeky as she saw my face. I only could blush and looked down. "Go for it." And off she was, I couldn't even protest and how did she guessed my mind? I shook my head and went back home.

During the day I somehow couldn't get him off my mind and that wasn't a good thing because I need to concentrate on my script. Oh my phone! It was Jude. "Bridget! I'm a horrible mother!" I got confused, as far as I know Jude didn't got children as Vile Richard had cheated on her several times and his girls all got pregnant from him except Jude. "Wait what?" I asked getting back to reality. "I'm watching the young one from Talitha's son, she has asked me if I wanted to." "Oh." That was all that came out of my mouth. "Don't act like you're surprised please, just help me out." It was silent now. "Bridget! You're the only one of us, except Talitha, that has children. Please help me out!" Jude was really begging for it, I felt proud that I finally has something she doesn't. Stop it, I'm thinking like a bad friend now. "What is happening?" I asked. "He's crying and I can't get him silent." I gave a sigh. "Has he got a new diaper?" "Yes." "Has he made a nap?" "Yes." "Have you feed him?" "Euhm..." I heard how Jude was hitting herself on her head. "You see, it's a child. A little human being that needs to eat as well." I said in a calm matter of way. "Yes, yes I know." Jude said and I chuckled. "It's okay Jude, now go feed him and don't forget to change diaper about a half an hour after his feeding but you will know that by then." I explained and I just could see her nodding and writing it down even. "Why are you watching the baby?" I asked curious now. "Actually, I've been talking to Talitha the other day and we started about children and that I'm thinking about adoption." Jude said in a lightly way. "You're sure about it?" I asked. "Well so far it goes well, I just got a bit frustrated about why he didn't stopped." I smiled a bit about this thought, Jude caring for a baby. "Being a mother is a feeling, if you want a child then you will have it for the rest of your life. You will need to put your own priorities aside for it." I said. "I'm only thinking about it." It was Jude's defense but I know that this is something she's doubting about. "Anyway, thanks for the advice Bridge. I need to go now." I said bye and laid my phone aside.

There goes my phone again. I looked at the time and it was nearly time to get the children from school. Chloe would be watching them as it is a night out with Tom and the girls today, been a very long time and I was looking forward to it and oh! I need to prepare myself still. "Hello! Oh listen dear." Mom, she never stops starting a call like this. "What?" I asked. "Don't say 'what' say 'pardon'." Gosh I'm fifty-one and she still is correcting me. "What mom?" "Una and I are going to China! What do you think of that? To big China to see how the people there harvest rice and the wall and so. Can you imagine? Una and me in China?" I gave a sigh. "When?" "Oh actually, we wanted to go around Christmas but we're not sure about it yet." "Well I hope you won't take a Chinese boy with you this time." I said as I lit a Silk Cut, I don't smoke much anymore. Mostly I take a Nicorette gum, oh my mind went to Nicolette, why, oh why?! I shook my head while mom just kept talking. "Don't be so silly! We just want to see the culture." "But you can do that in China town as well here in London." I said in protest, well it was sort of true and China wasn't that far from Thailand and I have very bad memories from there. "Bridget, that's not the same. Anyway, need to run now. Una and I have Zumba lesson, bye!" I looked at my phone and laid it down while shaking my head.

I took my bag and went out to pick up my children from school, Chloe would be coming in a bit and it would be great if she didn't have to pick up the children and it was another reason to see the new sports teacher again. What was his name again? "You're early." Mabel stated but with a smile and we went to Billy's school. "Don't be such a nitwit." I said. "What is that?" She asked while jumping around me. "Oh you will know one day." I said airy and off she went to look for Billy. I look how most mothers were looking out for the new teacher while I had my hands in my pockets and waited for Billy to come. The teacher greeted everyone friendly and then saw me standing, he stood still and I looked at him. A little smile curled on his lip and it was pretty darn sexy I tell you. He walked to me and stuck his hand out. "Hello, I'm Mr. Wallaker." I shook his hand. "I suppose you're Mrs. Darcy?" I only nodded as I felt like a giggling teenager but I tried to keep myself with a straight face while my mind went like 'take me, take me'. "It's nice to meet you Mr. Wallaker." I said with a smile. "I'm just waiting for Billy to come, my daughter is going to get him. She always do that." I explained as I saw him looking at the boys playing. "Billy!" Mr. Wallaker shouted and whistled to get Billy's attention who looked up and quickly came. Mabel tried to keep up with him. I was a bit annoyed with this, it was like the boys were in the army. "You need to come when your mother is here Billy." He said as he ruffled Billy's hair. "Here you go." He looked at me and saw my icy look. "Come Billy, Chloe is waiting." I said and walked to the car. Mabel looked at Mr. Wallaker and waved. He waved back with a smile.

In café Rouge with Tom and Talitha. "Bridge, it's about time you get laid again." I gave a sigh and sipped my bloody Mary. My mind was still drifting away to Mr. Wallaker and how I felt that I just could do him on the spot. "What you thinking about?" Talitha asked. "Nothing." I said not to get on that topic. "Oh yes, something is. I think Tom is right, you need a good shag." Tom nodded heavily and they look at each other. "What about you?" I asked in defense. "Well I've got Sergei and I'm not complaining so." Talitha said. "Arkis can't keep his hands off." Oh I almost forgot about Tom's new boyfriend, model as he stated it so many times and also way too young for Tom but probably that doesn't matter at all in gay world. "Are you thinking about someone?" Talitha asked in a teasing tone as she somehow could guess it. I gave a sigh and looked down. "Who is it?" Tom asked. "Don't think you both know him. He's the new sports teacher at Billy's school." I said. "Who?" They asked together, they are really curious about it. "His name is Mr. Wallaker, he had his first day today and that's about all I know about him." They looked at each other. "How does he look?" I shook my head and thought. "Hmm, a bit the type like Daniel Craig. Then I'm really close." Tom's mouth dropped and Talitha smiled approved. "But he's too disciplined. Normally Mabel always goes to get Billy but now he'd whistled and commanded Billy to come when I arrive." I explained. "That annoyed me." "Oh come on Bridge, you need a man in your life again. It's been so long ago." Tom said. "And what if he likes you?" Talitha asked. "I don't think he does, I think he's married. Such guys are always married." We were still talking and they really want to get me laid because I look so old, now I definitely feel old anyway and who wants a mother of two who is actually a widow?

Someone came into the café and Tom whistled. "Look at that, tight bum." He whispered and we girls looked at the man who came in. My mouth dropped and Talitha saw it. "What's the matter Bridge? You know him?" She asked. "That's Mr. Wallaker." I whispered and they looked at me surprised. "That hot stuff is a teacher?" Tom asked and I nodded. "Are you sure?" Talitha asked. "Yes of course I'm sure." I said in cold way. Mr. Wallaker walked to the bar and ordered a pint, he looked around and saw me sitting. Being surprised that I was in a bar and not at home with the children. Thinking by himself that I'm such a rich lady that has staff working for me so I could do what I want. He smiled a bit and when he got his pint he walked to our table. "Enjoying your evening Mrs. Darcy?" I jumped and the two chuckled about my reaction. "What brings you here Mr. Wallaker?" I asked in defense, it was not his business that I for once go out with my friends.

On that moment Jude came in. "Oh god, oh god, I never will have children." She said as she sat down and took my bloody Mary to drink it. "How did it go?" Talitha asked. "It's a nightmare, everything went right until I phoned Bridget here for advice and it went worse after. I was glad your son came to pick him up again." "I told you so." I said in 'I know I'm always right' way and she looked at me. "I don't think I could put my things away for it." "Aren't you a bit too old for children?" It was what Mr. Wallaker asked and we looked at him. I'd hoped he would be away by now but I saw his amusing face now. "Maybe I am." Jude whimpered but kept looking at him. "And you are?" She asked and he stuck his hands out. "Mr. Wallaker." He only said. "He's Billy's sports teacher." I explained as I saw her confused face. "Why don't you sit down Mr. Wallaker?" Talitha said in a purring way and so he did. Next to me. Very close. Hmmm. He smells great. Tom chuckled about my face and shook his head. "So why aren't you at home with the children?" He asked in a curious matter. We all looked at him. "I needed a time out." I pouted a bit. "Oh, so Mr. Darcy is watching the children?" He asked and my face went totally pale and I looked down. "Dear Sir, haven't you seen the news four and a half years ago?" Talitha said in a stern way which made Mr. Wallaker feel embarrassed somehow as she reached a tissue out to me. Tom laid his arm around me and shushed me. "That was kind of rude I say." Jude said and ordered some more bloody Marys. "I'm sorry, I seem to have hurt your feelings. I was four to five years ago in Afghanistan so I couldn't have seen the news." He honestly say and wanted to sooth me somehow. "Her late husband, Mark Darcy, got blown up by a landmine in Afghanistan! I guess you must have heard about it somehow when you were there." Talitha said coldly as she looked at him. His face went pale, totally pale and he stood up. "I, um, I'm sorry. Um, I need to go." He said not looking at me, now I looked at him and saw his reaction. "I guess I see you tomorrow at school. Billy is a great kid, he's doing very well. I'm going, um, wish you a good night." And off he was now. I was wondering what was going on. "So, what an arse really." Tom and Jude said but Talitha saw my reaction to him and now my total confusion about it. She only patted my arm and tried to smile. I look at her and gave sigh. "It's curious, very curious don't you think?" Talitha asked as she kept looking at me. Tom and Jude looked at her with total confusion. "Would he know more you think?" I asked stupidly and she lifted her shoulders up. "Well you can ask him if you want, at least he was in Afghanistan as well at the time." I nodded.

Later that night, totally drunk, I came home with a cab. I did hard my best to keep standing straight. Never been so drunk before again since, well since before I got the children I guess. Oh god Mark, I started to cry now as I tried to open the door. Chloe opened the door and looked at me. "Oh gosh Bridge, you're a mess. What happened?" She asked as she helped me inside. "Drunk." I said and she helped me to the kitchen. "Long story." I added. "Did you had fun anyway?" She asked concerned about me. "Not really to be honest. But that's okay. I must check the children." I said as I wanted to go upstairs. "Are you going to be okay?" I look at her and nodded. "Thanks for watching them." She nodded and watched how I went upstairs on hands and feet.

* * *

><p><strong>7<strong>**th**** December**

The rest of the week Mr. Wallaker didn't dare to look at me, like I was some kind of monster. It confuses me a lot really, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to know what he knows about Mark's death but couldn't asked him so because he really seems to be avoiding me. It was almost weekend and I only had written little on the script, maybe I should choose something else than _Hedda Gabbler_ because of writer's block. I paced through the living room to see if I could make up something and then I stood frozen and looked outside like I had seen a ghost but I hadn't of course, I mean do ghosts really exists and can you see them as well? Anyway, back to the subject now. I came to a marvelous idea! Let's phone Jude and Shazzer about it. I will phone Shazzer anyway, I need her opinion about this. I took my phone and tabbed Shazzer's phone number to phone her and waited. "Hey Bridget!" I heard and giggled. "Hey Shaz! How are you?" Now sitting down. "I'm great, but it's really early in the morning now. I just woke up. What about you Bridge? Still surviving?" I gave a sigh and looked at my hand. "I'm okay Shaz, don't worry about me. Tom and Talitha want me to get laid but I don't know, I'm ugly and so." I heard noises at the other side. "Shaz come back." I said stern. "Yes, yes I'm back. I think they're right Bridge, you need to get laid. I'm sure you will feel a lot better then." "But with who and how and where?" I was frustrated as everyone wants to see me smiling again but I wasn't sure because I don't want to betray Mark. "Go out! You have a babysitter! Go to clubs and meet men there. Go online as well. How did I found my husband otherwise? You can't keep sitting there being sad about Mark, it doesn't help you at all." I gave a sigh. "I think I like someone but it's already complicated and we even don't know each other. I'm a disaster Shaz." "Oh who? Is he handsome? Not a toyboy I hope!" "A toyboy?" As I was looking around. "Yes a toyboy Bridge, someone who's way too young for you but is only with you for pleasure. Look it up, maybe that's something you need. It's without any restrictions." Shaz explained and I heard her giggling again. "Shaz, can you tell your husband to stop tickling you and such. I'm trying to have a serious conversation." "Okay, okay. Kevin go." I heard her saying and a mocking Kevin who left. "Okay, now serious. You either go for a toyboy or make work of this guy. Tell me who he is, I'm curious." I laid down on the sofa and smiled while I thought about Mr. Wallaker. "He's the new sports teacher from Billy's school. His name is Mr. Wallaker, I don't even know his first name! How bad is that?" "Not so bad if you have met him not so long ago, or how long is it now?" I could hear that she's very curious. "Since Monday now, but he's avoiding me. Well that's a long story to tell now. Anyway, it seems he had served in the time that Mark got blown up in Afghanistan and since he knows that Mark is my late husband he avoids me." I said with a sigh again. "You mean he was in Afghanistan as well at the time?" She asked. "Yes, he said that. He left after and since then he's avoiding me." "You sound sad about it, maybe he knows something you may not know who knows. But if you really like him you got to let him know so." Shazzer's feministic behavior and attitude towards men is totally gone since she has met Kevin and married him.

I looked at the time when Shazzer asked me how he looks. "He's the same type as Daniel Craig, but I need to go now. The children are waiting for me!" Shazzer giggled a bit. "Always late, always the messy one. Bridge you haven't change one bit and everyone thought you would when you would get children. While Jude, Tom and I have change dramatically. I start feeling ashamed that I have so!" I giggled innocently. "I love the way you have changed Shaz! I still love all of you! But I really got to run now! And I couldn't tell you my other idea yet!" "Oh you can put it on email or text message if you want. By the way, you have twitter? Would be nice!" I had no idea what twitter exactly was, I only heard of it once just like Facebook and What's App and even Instagram whatever that may be. I was already proud of myself that I got used to my smartphone now! I will search about this twitter later when the children are asleep.

I finally got to Mabel's school after I made a total mess and found the keys from the car. Mabel sat on the wall outside the school with Thelonius whose mother just appeared as well it seems. "You need to wait long?" She has asked Mabel when I was close. "No, there she is. Come along." Telling me as if I was a little child who wasn't listening. Thelonius' mother looked at me and I only pulled my shoulders up while Mabel walked to Billy's school which was just around the corner. "Mabel, you know you can walk to Billy's school already when I'm really late." I said as she grabbed my hand, she looked up at me with a smile. "I know mommy but last time I did so you totally panicked and phoned the police and reported the school for kidnapping." I remembered that indeed. "I just will wait until you're here." Mabel was really serious about it. I never taught my children to act like this, guess it's something they got from Mark. Or worse, from my mother.

Arriving at Billy's school I saw that he was talking to Mr. Wallaker as they sat down on the wall, the only one left. "Billy!" Mabel said and ran to him, Billy smiled at his sister and hugged her like always. Mr. Wallaker looked up at me and stood straight very quick. "Almost forgot your children?" He asked with a slight amusing smile on his face. "Oh no she's always late." Billy said as a matter of fact. "Mr. Wolkda?" Mr. Wallaker looks at Mabel and smiled more now, I saw the change and wondered about this. "Yes Mabel." "You talk with mommy?" She asked now. "What is going on here?" I asked now serious as I crossed my arms. "Mr. Wallaker said he needed a talk with you." Billy stated. "Oh did Mr. Wallaker said so? When?" I asked as I looked at him, he blushed a bit and looked down. "Oh I think it was Tuesday, when you were extreme late." Billy said and took my hand. "How does Mabel know?" I asked as Mabel took Billy's hand. "I told her when you were in the kitchen yesterday. I like Mr. Wallaker." Billy stated again and I looked at Mr. Wallaker again. "I think Mr. Wolkda likes you mommy." Mabel giggled a lot as she held her free hand in front of her mouth. "As the children has said it now, you have time tomorrow? I say around eight at café Rouge?" He asked and I was flabbergasted now. "Are you asking me out on a date?" "If you want to see it like that, we can have dinner as well." He said. "That is when your babysitter is available." As he pointed at the children. "I don't know I should ask her." I said as I wanted to have this date but it scared me as well. I am ugly, I'm nothing compared to Nicolette. "Here is my phone number, give me a phone-call when you are available tomorrow." "Is it a mobile number?" I asked curious now. "Yes, it's something my boys has learned me not so long ago." He said. "Sorry for sounding so old." I giggled a bit and shook my head. "You're not the only one." I said and walked away while putting his number in my pocket. Mabel turned around and waved at Mr. Wallaker who smiled and waved back.


End file.
